2/9/2009 - Royal Decree

Valentines day is on the visible horizon, which means that all the single folks of the world are gearing up to get their panties all in a bundle over the whole heart-shaped mess. Come Saturday you'll be counting up all the Facebook statuses wishing you and yours a happy Singles Awareness Day and nodding because you know that I'm right: these guys hold a grudge.

I went through the phase during my insecure high school years, but then I advanced to my equally insecure college years and realized that I would do much better if I just got over it. If you're over the age of 18 and still moping around about being single on Valentines day, then I want you to consider two things:

1. Being single is  - and I really want to stress this - totally ok. I think most people recognize this, so no need to shout it. 
2. Valentines day is fabricated and kitschy, right? The fact that you recognize and - if you dare - embrace it makes you an emotionally superior person who is better equipped to enjoy the irony of it all.

I say this not as a self-assured bitch with a boyfriend close at hand, but as somebody who has spent a healthy chunk of time single and survived it. Single or not, you're going to have a helluva lot more fun on Valentine's Day if you just lighten up and take it for what it is: a goofy, over-hyped holiday that is nonetheless a pretty good excuse to let the good people in your life know how good they are.

I'm putting this out there a good week ahead of time so that everybody has a chance to let it sink in and to think about how they will behave on Saturday. I, for one, want to have fun and it would be excellent if I didn't incur hate for doing so. Let's not have any tears or pouting, folks. I can make these kinds of demands because because I am the queen of tears and pouting; what I say goes. 

You cannot escape this.