Nov 22, 2008

11/22/2008 - Tonight I Am

Tonight I am home alone. Though presented with the option of going out and joining the masses in socially acceptable Saturday night activities, I declined in favor of being a bump on a stay-at-home log. I've got some cookies in the oven and my cat faithfully bothering me in - at any given moment - one of his many reliably bothersome ways.

The cookies are of the snicker doodle persuasion. These cookies, more than any other kind, hold supremely fond holiday memories for me, and for reasons that I cannot place. Traditionally I scoff at such things as "Warm Holiday Memories" or "Pleasant Christmas Traditions", but snicker doodles somehow melt my heart and make me a gentle, holiday-loving person. I suppose that there is something magical about having the opportunity to roll balls of sweet dough in cinnamon and sugar, even now that I am a crotchety adult. 

I found out recently that, for many, many years, I've been playing the part of the fool. I have been duped. Duped - yes! - by this shady character:

Ugh. I feel angry just looking at it.

When I began work in The Video Library (a.k.a. The Center for Interpersonal Studies Through Film and Literature, home to zillions of obscure and fascinating documentaries and award-winning films) my boss presented to me the object you see above, describing it as "something that works great for opening DVD packaging." I, naive freshman that I was, assumed - per this description - that the object actually was a DVD Package Opener.

Four years later, I find out I'm wrong.

It was only a month ago that, while searching for a standard pointy-jaw staple remover in the front office, I was introduced to the new, hardly-lethal kind that allows you to slip the little metal tab under the staple and pull the bugger right out without running the risk of puncture wounds and a lawsuit. I was fascinated by this technological advance and pledged to get the new-fangled gadget for my own home.

But I thought about it. And while I was thinking I realized that this gadget wasn't so new to me. In fact, I felt that I had been seeing gadgets just like it. On a daily basis. Indeed, I had been ignoring the presence of such a gadget in The Video Library desk drawer for years (having long ago abandoned the DVD Package Opener for a pair of scissors and some brute force).  

Boy, is my face red.

The nice lady in the front office gave me the fancy new staple remover free of charge, but now I feel like a dummy every time I use it. DVD Package Opener my foot!

Well folks, while I was writing this post I was also giving oven-enabled birth to these snicker doodles:

I think we all can agree that if my ability to create Adonis-quality cookies says anything for my ability to create genetically-superior human beings, I can expect some pretty handsome progeny in my future. 

You've probably been wondering what became of that pumpkin that the squirrel was gnawing on a while back. See for yourself:

Ouch. At least you know your week has been better than his.

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